I feel as though you really excelled in the area of forming a cohesive argument through your use of the collage images. The images that you chose for your collage were perfect to convey the message that this product is trying to get women to believe that they can attain a perfect body by using body lotion. The fact that you tied in specific references to the images used in the collage to support your argument was very effective as well.
Although one of your quotes was rather long, you nevertheless chose quotes that truly supported your thesis and overall argument. Additionally, I think the quotes complemented the images in your collage really well. You also supported the quotes with valid points which allowed for a cohesive argument to result.
One area that could use improvement is choosing quotes of an appropriate length. Your Jhally quote was really long, which it took up most of the paragraph. In the future, choose a quote that is short and to the point rather than one that is drawn out.
Another area for improvement is sticking with one specific brand of a product. Throughout your paper, you just mentioned “body lotion” which is pretty broad. Your paper would have been more analytically deep if you decided on one brand of lotion. For the future, pick one company that sells body lotion and develop an argument based on its marketing.
Friday, May 21, 2010