Kevin's feedback on Sarah's "A Boys Choice? Propagation of Societal Gender Roles in Video Game Marketing" post
Interesting post Sarah! I enjoyed reading it. I've been impressed with your writing.
Ways in which you excelled:
-Your observations about the exclusivity of male characters in sports video games were accurate and showed a good sense of perspective. My brother and I play the Madden NFL games a lot, and it was not until I read your post that I actually thought about the COMPLETE lack of female presence in these games. I think I own every installment of the game since 2004, and the only time I ever remember seeing a female in the game, ever, is in a 5 second cut-scene of a hypersexualized cheerleader dancing during a halftime show. I'm shocked that it had never occurred to me so severely before. Valid point!
-It actually took me over a minute to find the Rolling Stones printed on the cover of that dance game. Frustrating for me, but it totally demonstrates your point that they are not intended to be as visible as Rihanna and the rest.
Ways in which you could have improved:
-Your observations about the toys you analyzed were excellent, and your analysis was quite good as well, but I suppose you could have elaborated just a bit more about the values that these toys impart on young boys.
-Not a big deal, but your longer paragraphs could have been shorten to two, more precise paragraphs. I'm only aware of this because I've written papers where I have written paragraphs that take up 2/3 of a page [single spaced!], and I get this feedback all the time. I don't mind it so much, but I think it helps some readers maintain their focus and attention.